Tuesday, March 25, 2008

ABC OCD

So I'm not exactly sure how I pictured it. Well, that's not exactly true. I pictured the birthday girl, rosy cheeked and precociously verbal toddling about the house. Beautiful, handmade decorations perfectly in place. That gorgeous 5 o clock light filtering through the dining room fortuitously at noon. No mucus. Mango lassis.

And then there is reality.

We're still a couple of days away, but the birthday girl has seen better days. Well, that's if she could see through the green gunk that's been sealing her eyes shut. Her face is a mass of snot, thanks to the tree pollen in full bloom. Then there is the double ear infection, just to round things out. Oh, and the not sleeping for about a week straight. And the teeth coming in. Happy Birthday!

The house is awash in decoupage glue and magazine clippings because I've been smoking crack in my downtime and decided that with the lowkey, family-only affair we're throwing,  baby girl needed a boat to go along with the HMS theme. Nevermind the last time I paper-mached something I was a girl scout and had adult supervision. I have been fantasizing about this boat for about three weeks. 

There is the OCD you see depicted on TV, the compulsive handwashers. The doorknob touchers. Then there is me. I create lists and blueprints and menus and party themes and narratives that will most likely never see the light of day but will on average receive about 12 hours out of the day's time from me. I was thinking the meds were supposed to help with instances like this, but in between the 3 am feedings and being thrown up on, I've been daydreaming blueprints of a boat made out of fabric scraps and wallpaper samples. 

I have been to Michaels no less than five times in the past week, oh and that's because of the cupcake tower I made. That required five trips to Michaels. And the grocery list. I've been to the grocery store everyday this week, mainly because baby girl has decided she'd like to eat her weight in blueberries daily, but because I keep going back for "research." I have rewritten the menu about 12 times. For my one year old birthday party whose guest list we kept to a severe minimum to avoid getting carried away.

Happy Birthday baby girl. Your mama is going to go up her meds now. 


Monday, March 24, 2008

Photoshoot

Some of our photoshoot pics are up on Lisa's blog. Here's a little sample here:

They are super cute and Harlow looks adorable, naturally. But I have to say this. I am really, really regretting my choice of hairstyle and outfit. I woke up sick and achy, so the t-shirt and jeans just felt really right. They really couldn't be more wrong. I mean, I suppose I should congratulate myself on not showing up in my bathrobe and slippers, but for usually being a little more put together I look like a camp counselor hanging with the handsome dude and his kid. And speaking of just plain wrong, I am more than a little disturbed by how much Caleb and I look alike in these pictures. See the Sweazys work it here.

Countdown

So the countdown is on. Harlow turns one on Saturday, and family from all over descends on the unfinished, haphazardly decorated experiment that is the Sweazy abode. The DIY frenzy began weeks ago, however.  Even though we're just having a small family gathering, that hasn't stopped us from turning into complete art school dorks. We busted out the gocco to handprint our invitations, and we are making...things. 


I don't want to spoil it for the four readers of this blog who also happen to be family, so suffice it to say the house is covered in craft paper, glue and some serious crafter ego. Caleb stole my idea and got to work on HIS version, so all I have to say is that it's ON, brother.

I'm really bummed that Harlow's present isn't going to be ready in time, and for the first time its nothing to do with procrastination. I truly started work on it months ago, and it's required a lot of man hours and some sketchy neighborhoods (any guesses?) so I won't get to unveil it at the party. Like she'll care. 

But I will. 

More pics from the weekend:

Sunday, March 23, 2008

Birthday Boy




Saturday was the day of the big Sweazy photoshoot, where I was actually going to be documented on film holding my child. Such are the pitfalls of being the photographer in the family. Judging by the pics over the last year, H looks to be one of those Disney heroines, all big eyes and no mamas to be found. We're promoting photographer Lisa Thomas' work through the store, because she's badass, and I was so excited to have her come to the house to do a "lifestyle shoot" on the eve of Harlow's first birthday. Unfortunately we all woke up feeling like ass. Poor Harlow was up all night coughing and sneezed giant snot bubbles roughly every 7 seconds. Caleb and I both had sore throats and I started running a fever, yet this didn't stop us from taking H to meet the Easter Bunny and  help her score some candy on the easter egg hunt. 

Lisa and her assistant showed up just as the light was getting golden. Harlow would have made Tyra proud. She was totally fierce, working the camera for a good two hours before melting down and demanding the boob for all her hard work. Preview pics of the Sweazys working it coming soon.

While the rest of the world was celebrating Jesus, our household was celebrating the birth of my babydaddy. We had a nice lowkey lunch where we grilled some chicken, ate some couscous and Caleb made the loveliest tarte tatin:
I annoyed the crap out everybody by photographing said tarte for about 10 minutes before I'd let anyone eat it.
Harlow spent most of the day talking to us about how much she loved chicken, blueberries, her Uncle Neil, playing the piano, and cardboard.Or "gwerda-berda-gdoo-ba," the signature phrase in thew new language she woke up speaking. She seriously chowed at dinner tonight, and at the rate she has been nursing, I'm thinking we're going to be seeing some major milestones soon. Like walking. Or turning into the Swedish Chef. 

Why Nana Should Be Harlow's Official Photographer


Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Nana's Pics




Nana has been an especially huge help this week while Miss H has been home and both parents working. She took these sweet pics today. 

Teeth?


window, originally uploaded by medusahead.

Can teeth disappear? Just decide, nah. Not coming out. That whole drooly and bloody bit? Just for kicks. Can they? Caleb was looking in her mouth this morning, our usual ritual (kiss her good morning, ask her how her night was, inspect her mouth for pointy implements) and mentioned that he couldn't see her upper tooth anymore. Sure nuff, I looked a bit later, and no teeth to be found. Did we scare them off with all the tough talk? Maybe it was after she bit into that piece of dog food today. Cause fish and potato from a fancy restaurant is one thing, but in kibble? Not so much.

Monday, March 17, 2008

Harlow's St. Patrick's Day


Harlow's St. Patrick's Day, originally uploaded by medusahead.

One more pic before I pass out from sinus pressure...

Diego

I can't believe that during the past few months I haven't mentioned one of the best things to happen to me and Harlow - Laura and Diego. Laura has been watching Harlow for a few hours 3 x a week while I work, and the awesome thing about the arrangement is that Harlow gets to play with her insanely adorable son Diego. While my watching 2 spirited little uns for a few hours would require painkillers and intensive therapy(for everyone involved), Laura always greets me at the door happy as a clam (but with usually some saucy story or trashy mags) and delivers a happy baby to boot. In fact, when I drop her off, Harlow is usually elbowing me in the face because she can't get into Laura's arms fast enough. Can't find a better recommendation than that!

I just want to give them a shout out because - not only is it way overdue - Laura has become a friend and just rocks in general - but sweet D is sick with strep throat which makes for one miserable baby and equally miserable mom.

Hang in there! Our big ole bathtub is your oasis when you are ready!


Harlow and the Holiday Ham


Harlow and the Holiday Ham, originally uploaded by medusahead.

You know you have a Holiday Ham problem when no less than five employees compliment you on your new hair color. What can I say? It's better than McDonalds.

What's not better than McDonalds? Teeth. Currently really, really hating teeth. Harlow's in particular. Poor thing has been Super Drooly Crankmonster for days, my T-shirt bloodstained from her sad, desperate chewing on my shoulder. That said, when she hasn't been sobbing in pain, she's been a blast. She's saying things that sound suspiciously like "hello" and "bye-bye" and randomly smacking her face like that Culkin kid in Home Alone and giggling.

Can you believe she's gonna be a year old in 2 weeks?

I can't.

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Today

Today she has the beginnings of her first front tooth.

She also looks so insanely cute in a top I bought her at Target that it might just kill me. 

She is now looking so red that I think we might officially have a ginger baby.

And because I am having technical difficulties, you will see none of that.

But this is pretty freakin sweet:

So...it looks like the technical difficulties have extended to the You Tube.

Um...here are some words. And some more. Pretend you are looking at a guerilla dance troupe performing Thriller at a turn of the century Copenhagen train station. That lead guy is really good. So are, apparently, the blonde's boobs who are getting way to much camera time. 


Sunday, March 09, 2008

I'm a Monkey's* Mama


*yes I am aware this is a chimp
** apparently Harlow is behind on her laundry

snow



Friday, March 07, 2008

Sweetness

I don't have the photos but I have the images seared into my heart.

My daughter in her high chair, a napkin draped over her head and an impish smile on her face. She rips the napkin off and hands it to her father. He wears the napkin on his head and they stare at each other for a few serious seconds before dissolving into giggles. She takes the napkin and wears it on her head. Repeat. Please.

My heart is so full it scares me.

Wednesday, March 05, 2008

Crawling

Not only do we have a crawler, we have a stair climber. We have pics to prove it. We also have a guest blogger who is gonna tell you all about it.

Ahem.

Guest blogger? This is your cue.

Anyday now...

Sunday, March 02, 2008

Words, words, words

In return for Caleb's hanging with the baby so I could take off to New York, I agreed to be kicked out of the house for the weekend so he could be all Moody Creative Genius and record his masterpiece without mama and baby getting all screechy on the soundtrack. This meant hanging in the hinterlands of Gtown (and missing the first midtown derby bout :( but a good time was had by all. Harlow got plenty of time with her Nana and Papa and Aunt Lindsey and cousin Avery. Avery had just enough time with her bitey, lap stealing monkey cousin to ruin her on siblings for, I think, ever. Mama finally got to cash in her Indigo gift certificate (hello sexy new bag!) Nana even got the added bonus of witnessing the destruction of what little hipster cred her daughter and son in-law had left when Harlow said her first, honest to goodness word.

Elmo.

She and Elmo had been talking on Nana's Elmo cell phone. He was all What's My Name? Seriously, what is my name? I don't got all day. Hee Hee Hee. And she said "Elmo." Clear as day. And she said it 3 more times, in front of witnesses, just to rub it in. Caleb was appropriately horrified, and then of course we spent the rest of the afternoon foisting the Elmo cell phone on her in the vain attempt to get her to say it again.

Friday, February 29, 2008

11 Months


12 great iPhotos, originally uploaded by medusahead.

Your favorite thing in the world is reading. Or rather, being read to. Now that you have discovered the thrill of moving yourself across the floor with alarming speed, you often skip over the instruments and toys and head straight for the nearest book. You are partial to books about monkeys, cats and lions, in that order. Except you really don't give a squat about the Cat in the Hat. Now, Cats in Pajamas you could read all day and attempt to do so. Kittens in Mittens is a good second choice, but clearly the lesson learned here is that floral pantsuits are much more becoming on a cat than mittens or a natty top hat. I mean, duh.

You enjoy having The Lion's Paw and Baby Boo read to you at approximately the same exact time. I have yet to work out how to hold you and two books open at the same time. In the meantime, you fling one book up in the air, your signal that it's time for me to read to you. We get about two sentences into one book when you throw the other one up in the air which I take from you and start to read...when you fling the other book up into the air. Either I will grow a third arm or your attention span will increase to that of a meth addict's and we might one day actually learn how that friggin lion gets the thorn out of its paw.

As I mentioned before, you are a crawling fool. The pets are terrified by this and that makes me and your father extremely happy. You actually pulled yourself to standing the other day, let go of the ottoman, and promptly fell over and bonked your head pretty hard. You cried. But then you pulled yourself back up. That you are already a tough broad doesn't bear repeating.

You scored a sweet piano from your Pop-Pop and love to tickle the ivories, usually with a wooden spoon. The tambourine kinda scares you, yet you have no problem wailing on the drums like a baby Sheila E with the baby noise reduction headphones your dad bought you. You went to Music for Aardvarks with your dad and chewed a drumstick better than any of the other drumstick chewers. I'm sure you will wind up with your own drum kit at some point soon. Me and my future migraines can't wait.

Light switches, cabinets doors, drawers and dog bowls. The world is suddenly your giant treasure chest. When you are not crawling toward it, you are pointing and scrunching your fingers at it until one of us suckers gives you a ride to your destination. You call to monkeys and cats and dogs (oooh-oooh-oooh) and know that I am mommommommommom. Taking baths makes you so,so happy, and this is how I know you are mine. When your dad and I leave for our Thursday night date, Jessica tells us that she takes you upstairs and you point at our door and cry. And this makes me cry, too.

Thursday, February 28, 2008

Pets for Sale

Three Fine Pets to a Good Home

The Kitten a.k.a The Kitten



Fine Attributes include:

destroying any piece of furniture in the house, especially new furniture

drinking out of your water glass, even if you place a heavy book over it and walk away for 30 seconds

eating food off the dining room table

eating food off of the kitchen island

running underfoot as you carry laundry down the stairs

running underfoot while you carry the baby upstairs

purposely tripping you while carrying knives fresh from the dishwasher

crying until you personally escort him to eat his food

perching on the ledge of the tub and staring at you while you try to read a magazine

shedding hair that retains the same texture as spun sugar

hairballs. hairballs. hairballs.

The Donkey a.k.a Murphy



loves to bark while your child attempts to nap

loves to bark while you attempt to nap

will kill the mailman if given the chance

eats the baby's food out of her hands and her lap

"accidentally" runs over the baby while she's on the floor

lunges and barks at children on the street, especially if they are on wheels

appears to be anti-semitic

despite hundreds and hundreds of dollars spent on training, responds to commands only if he feels like it

scratches himself nightly, next to the bed, usually at about 3 AM

when kicked out of the bedroom, will either bark at something imagined or sleep on the people-only couch



The Elder Statesman a.k.a Andy a.k.a 2nd Fattest Cat in LA

craps on the floor of your house, sometimes behind a potted plant. Sometimes in it. Usually just in plain view.

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Monday, February 25, 2008

ALEXA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!





WHY THIS MONDAY ROCKS REPORT

1. Harlow stood on her own. And promptly fell down. But she got right back up!

2. Harlow can make monkey sounds on cue.

And I hate to overshadow the brilliance that is #1 and #2 but OH MY FREAKIN GOD MY HEAD JUST MIGHT EXPLODE FROM EXCITEMENT because this woman is moving back to Memphis:

She's basically the world's smartest blonde (don't be fooled by the You Tubeage), Americas's Next Top sexiest acupuncturist/former karaoke DJ and my best friend of twenty years.

And because she hates most foods, I think she'll fit in with the readers of this blog just fine.

Friday, February 22, 2008

Reading is Fun





2 great iPhotos, originally uploaded by medusahead.

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Nerve

These days I'm more of a Babble.com girl, but back in my LA single days (er, 3 months), I was all about Babble's hot, dirty, I don't wash and play bass kid brother site Nerve, a literary smut site. So imagine my delight - my seriously covered in snot, partially digested banana and cheerio delight - to be interviewed by Nerve for their Dating Advice from a...fill in the blank series. Today's column is Dating Advice from former bridesmaids with yours truly!

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Hello Gorgeous



Yes you are smart and brave and funny and have a wicked backhand and will be known for all those things.

But man you sure are purty.

Especially when your face doesn't have snot covering 3/4 of it.

Monday, February 18, 2008

Ducky


It is a mystery to me how you can be coughing up a lung and running a fever and leaking out of your nose all over your face and still have the energy of a nuclear power plant. AND be cute, to boot.

I will say that we will not be repeating the 12-2 nap as it pretty much made her cry until she went to bed for the night. But this did not stop her from learning to show me where my nose is, where my belly button is, mimicking a pretty dead-on yay! when we clapped our hands and handing me some weird shit she found on the carpet for me to inspect. Apparently she has no such compunction with cat hair, which she still finds dee-lic-ious.

The Sucks Report

1. Harlow's month long cold/flu hybrid

2. Looking bad in grey.

3. Never feeling settled.

4. Constantly cleaning, but the house never looks like we do.

5. I don't know how to quit you, Coke.

6. Murphy

7. Andy

8. The Kitten

9. Pets in general.

10. the compulsion to buy cilantro and Italian parsley everytime I grocery shop, forgetting that I did, buying more and adding to it the decomposed mess in the produce drawer

11. The Memphis Flea Market

12. Ditch the Bitch and Lets Go Fishing stickers at the flea market

13. People contemplating buying the above stickers unironically

13. Trucks of puppies at the flea market

14. Testifying at 201 Poplar

15. ID'ing the wrong guy in the lineup

16. hypoglycemia

17. not being able to find girl scouts selling cookies at predictable haunts

18. cornmeal pancakes without the 3 tablespoons of butter that was supposed to go in it

19. snot. lots of it.

20. catching 10 Things I Hate About You with Heath and just being really sad

Friday, February 15, 2008

My Big Apple Part 3

Where was I?

Oh - I'm now in our new room at the Lafayette House. They had to switch us to a nicer room. Not sure what was wrong with the old one as it had the unexpected amenity of lighting that made my skin look an airbrushed calendar model's. I get over it when I cozy into a lovely sitting area across from a roaring fire and a complimentary bottle of wine. I can't stop taking pictures of myself in the smoked glass. I want to cover every surface of my house with this stuff. Jen's cousin and her husband arrive for drinks and I take a few, tentative sips of the French red they brought with them. Nothing like spewing vomit at a fancy Fashion week after party, so I go slow.

The models are trying for kids. Not at this exact moment, but they are discussing it. I cannot even imagine the uber-dimpled polite future smoking hot blonde to spring from such a pairing. Well, clearly I have.

7:30 The lobby of the Bowery Hotel. This has the same dark wood, candlelight and clubby vibe as the Chateau, but not as snotty. I have an insanely yummy Pimms Cup with Michael and Blossom, two of Jen's photographers, and a 10 on the Nice New Yorker scale. Michael tells a story about the most unique wedding he'd ever seen. The couple, also photographers, rented out a warehouse where they had setup a boxing ring. The invitations were letterpressed boxing match invitations. The bride and groom entered in early 1900s-style bathing suits and "boxed," kissing and slow dancing while the ref married them - via kazoo. he lifted up their arms in victory. Floral sashes were draped over the newly married couple and a marching band appeared and escorted them and their guests to a reception. Kickass, no?

There's an Olsen twin lounging on the couch and Paul Dano's at the bar. I could get seriously cozy with another Pimms but it's time to scoot.

9:00 The Rodarte after-party hosted by Kim Gordon. Thank God its a bunch of models here because the food is fantastic, free and there's plenty left for me. I have 2 - count em - 2 elderflower vodkas. I have no idea what that is, tastes vaguely of grapefruit, and gets the job done. Paul the architect arrives with his lovely friend Jen (NNY : 10) and I meet yet another lovely Jen of the New York Times. It's really inspiring to be around such motivated, creative thinkers. And then there is Ryan Adams, chatting with my Jen while I linger behind her like a shy little geisha. He is all crazy talk with the hands and oral fixation and squirrely. Apparently he is on the prowl after going through a breakup. He does not even look at me as "we" part company. Sniff. I'm not into flirting with crazy, cool indie rock stars anyway. Except the one I married,of course.

12:30 I am a pumpkin. Yes, it's my last night, but it's also the first night in about 5 years that I've had 2 vodkas within 30 minutes of each other.

Wednesday

9:00 AM oops. Didn't mean to sleep this late. And, oops, meant to drink more than a teacup of water before I went to bed. This is gonna hurt.

9:30 Gemma Restaurant next to the Bowery. Baked eggs with prosciutto, avocado and tomato sauce. Cornmeal pancakes with vanilla butter and bosch pear compote. Brioche smeared with nutella. And hangover tea. Yes, it is as insanely delicious as it sounds. We sit next to a wild-haired Italian model agent who rolls calls in English, French and dahling-ese. Oh you people. You're making me miss LA.

10:45 Headphones in. Man, I love this walking thing. Zero 7 narrates my stroll through the Lower east side over to Sons and Daughters. After all this shopping for mama, it's time to pick up some birthday presents for the baby doll. Lucky for all of us, they, too, are having a 50% sale. She gets the cutest top and skirt I've ever seen. And a coloring book. And a towel. And a guide to shadow puppets. I really, really need to leave or this is gonna get ugly fast.

11:30 After dropping my bags off at the Sherry-Netherland where my dad is staying, Jen and I meander through Central Park and take pictures of ourselves as Posh Spice. jen is way better at it then me.


t is 65 degrees. I am wearing short sleeves. It was 30 degrees and snowing 2 days ago. The light is diffused through clouds and the park is stripped bare of foilage. It's still breathtaking and calm. A nanny strolls by with a pink Silver Cross pram. I wonder if she's ever had to take that thing on the subway.

1:00 Jen and I say goodbye in front of the Sherry-Netherland. The rain comes, and I pop open my umbrella and stroll with the masses through midtown. I've got an hour to kill before I meet my dad, and looky-here. Henri Bendel just happens to be on my path.

2:00 Dad and I text each other as I hurry down 5th Avenue, chocolates for Caleb tucked under my arm. The rain is falling in earnest. Our ride is waiting. My dad and I kiss hello like old New Yorkers, and I tell him we really need to meet like this more often. I say goodbye to NYC.


Because I am minutes shy of tossing my computer out the window from uploading problems, here's a link to more pics.

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Breaking News!

We interrupt our overdue post on the last 40 hours in NYC to tell you not that she is really crawling, which she is, or that she is trying to grab things by using the baby force by pointing and screaming at it, which is really cute and kinda annoying, or that she has eaten and loved roast chicken and graham crackers and raisins and homemade pancakes and pasta. All true and all so not the point when I tell you that Baby Girl went to bed at 8 and we did not see her sweet face again until 6:30.

I'm still doing the dance of joy.

Friday, February 08, 2008

My Big Apple Part 2

Tuesday

8:00 AM

Why is Jen staring at me in horror? Oh right, because my breasts look like they are about to give birth to Stonehenge. Oh my god this hurts. What hurts slightly more? Pumping and pouring this liquid gold down the drain.

10:45



Fix hair? Eat breakfast? Fix hair? Eat breakfast. I choose wisely. This is the weirdest sounding, looking breakfast but wow this tastes like heaven. Ricotta with poached figs, candied almonds and honey. Breakfast manicotti, if you will. I take a picture of it.



The Nice New Yorker asks about my camera and I let her study it. And thus begins my series Nice New Yorkers. Who knew? This bakery is adorable, by the way. Falai Panetteria. For my general health, it's a good thing it's thousands of miles away.

11:10 My car (my CAR!) picks me up from the Lower East Side and I'm off to midtown to pick up Jen. I tell the driver 5 Ave of the Americas at Walker. Benecio Del Toro replies that it is not possible, or that the intersection no longer exists. I show him the piece of paper with the scribbled down address. I think he is saying that we cannot go that way, or that the only thing he fears is Keyser Soze. I'm not sure. He has the charming habit of asking a question that sounds like a statement and stating something that sounds like a question, and then sending the rest through a blender. Oh wait. He's saying "parade," as in look at the 3 million people jammed into the intersection to cheer on the Giants. Don't these people know we have to get to Fashion Week? He is starting to cut through my Zoloft happy haze. It's a minor miracle that we pick up Jen. We're off to Chelsea.





12:00

A blank, white loft. A sea of black, gray and studied nonchalance ebbs and flows against Freddie, the charming English listkeeper who has the thankless task of checking in the masses. We are handed thick letterpressed invitations that Freddie has scribbled on the back. It looks like a game of hangman. It's our seat assignments. Jen's in section F. I am "ST" for standing, according to the scribble. No prob. Who cares. I'm in.

12:05

Models walk through their final choreography, and by girls I mean upright antelopes with legs made of angelhair pasta. Strapped to their feet are gold studded six inch nasties that would make a hooker blanche. Much has been made of skinny models and BMIs and anorexia and seeing them in person, I want to cram them all inside an Olive Garden and padlock the entrance.

12:08

Backstage. Jen ambles off to check in with two of her artists working the show, so I ogle. The models are hidden in a swathe of hairspray, stylists and photographers. Karen Elson, a.k.a. Mrs. Jack White Stripes wiggles into a sleek pair of pants, her trademark red hair rolled into an artistic, extremely unflattering chignon. Did you mean to lose your eyebrows? I'll help you find them. Agyness Deyn whose bleached, cropped existence I learned of the day before, chats with Italian Vogue. I eat a doughnut.

12:15

I'm standing with Jen's cousin The Model and her jawdroppingly hot supermodel husband, a celebrity in his native Norway. Her dimples are something of a distraction. I think you could stick a straw in one and they'd stay put. How does a girl from MIssissippi get bone structure like that? They may be the nicest people I've ever met, and I find this patently unfair. I am told Anna Wintour is seated front row center, but I cannot see through the blockade of photograghers fighting to snap her picture. Ooh, there's Nina Garcia, fashion drector of Elle Magazine and resident bitch goddess of Project Runway. Oh, who am I kidding? That's Michael Kors role and sadly he's nowhere to be found. A woman, I'm guessing in her sixties, enters and causes a minor commotion. Short red bob, dead animals, tights, tartan. I am told she is the French Anna Wintour, and I am wondering how French women remain so chic if this is their arbiter of style. The woman looks like she was dressed by a blind, Scottish centaur. Hey, there's Vincent Gallo. Hey, there's Ryan Adams. Hey, that's a 50 pound camera slamming into my shoulder. The cameraman apologizes sincerely, putting the Nice New Yorker count for the day thus far to 4.

12:30

Showtime. Electric synth announces the girls arrival. It's not a tradtional "walk the runway" show as they are moving through a loft space. The girls are staggered and meet up two by two and kinda have a strut-off, and by strut I mean a wooden thump/clomp as they manage to propel those string cheese legs on towers of vinyl. Even the seasoned audience is wincing. But the choreography is pretty cool. The clothes are...interesting. Oh, but I like these pants. And ooh the gowns. The makeup is kind of alien blank, the hair pulled into buns with a geometric, black triangle spray painted in back. The models flood the stage, followed by the Rodarte girls who offer a brief curtsy before scurrying off stage. They were in a talon's length of French Vogue Lady, so I can't say I blame them.



12:45

Show's over. The masses exit into one stairwell - yelling FIRE! would be a very sick joke - and models from the show fight their way down the stairs. A 15 year old Russian girl rips pins from her hair while yelling WHUT THAM EES EET? Mr. Norway announces that it's 12:50 and flashes a smile. She melts into a little Russian Volta.


12:50

Backstage again. Jen's talking to Ryan Adams. Kim Gordon is talking to one of the Rodarte girls. Vincent Gallo is talking about himself.

12:55

Hey is that April from America's Next Top Model Cycle 3? Good for you, April! Is that Eliza Dushku? Is that really the entirety of my celebrity fix for the day?

12:56

We walk to lunch behind Agyness Deyn whose blonde spikes peek up above a dramatic, floor length red coat. She's like a postmodern Red Riding Hood.



1:15

A decent lunch of penne and prosciutto at Bettino with the Models' friends the Architect and the Artist. They are so insanely nice (NNY:6) and genuinely interested in me, my plans for my visit, the pics of Harlow I whip out every 5 minutes. When did I become such a mom?

3:30

Lower East Side. Jen and I score some major shopping deals. Is this a holiday? Or right, Happy Recession! $20 shoes! Skinny rocker jeans for 50% off!

5:30

A snack at the Pink Pony. Ah the French Onion soup, the beets, the accordion music. I just love Paris.

To be continued...

Thursday, February 07, 2008

My Big Apple Part 1

Monday 7:25

Caleb and Baby Girl take me to the airport. I kiss my daughter. I kiss her again and rub her head. I think I might cry. Yep, there's a tear. I check in and immediately bypass all the suckers in line for the NW security line and head for Delta. This is the best kept secret in Memphis. Don't tell anybody. I join the 4 other people in line at security. I send my things through, and one of my bags causes a ruckus. It's taken over to a metal slab where several employees pilfer through my breast pump and test it for explosives. I assure them that the only exploding to occur will be my breasts if I can't take that pump on board. Then, two men in suits and sunglasses appear at the word "exploding" and take me into a holding cell where I am waterboarded and coerced to sign a document that says I think its swell that they did away with hot meals in favor of $5 snack boxes. Ok, not really. But they do ask me if it hurts when I use it. I say no. They don't appear convinced.

Noon

When did Vanity Fair become Old Billionaire divorces Lady So and So for the nanny and is sued by the butler who was having a Fling with his secretly gay son Magazine?

Flawless. Plane touches down in NYC. I get my bag. I chat with a lady in the cab line who pushes her 10 month old in a stroller. Everybody coos at him and I wish Harlow was with me. I'm in the cab and see the manhattan skyline. I'm kinda psyched Harlow isn't with me.

1:30

My cab driver is losing his shit. He can't believe this place is a hotel. He has driven past this spot everyday for years and did not know this was a hotel. I think I have made his year. I lug my bag up the steep steps and press the buzzer to a red brownstone. Honestly, if it weren't for the sign, I wouldn't know it was a hotel either. Jenny, blonde, pale, in tan calf high boots, lets me in. The room isn't ready, but when I mention boobs exploding, she makes the room ready.

So let me back up. This place is unlike any hotel I have ever stayed. It was designed by Sean Macpherson, the guy responsible for the Chateau Marmont in LA and the Bowery Hotel just around the corner. But right now, it is as if I entered an Edith Wharton novel. I am the ingenue in turn of the century New York come to stay with my eccentric spinster aunt in her ramshackle digs downtown. Painted portaits line the walls. Smoked glass mirrors. Purple paint and crystal sconces. We're in #4. I pump, and then search for jenny. There is no reception desk. There is no Jenny. I wander around the house, up and down stairs, until a housekeeper takes pity on me and leads me to a small office where a guy gives me my keys. No reception desk. No other guests. I love it.



1:50

I am at the B Bar next door eating the most amazing butternut squash soup with pumpkin seeds and cinnamon. Killer nicoise salad. It's a Mexican-French-American fusion. This shouldn't work. But it really, really does.

2:50

My hair appointment is in ten minutes. I walk through Soho and take a lap around H&M with no luck. However, I score a $30 coat and some cheap, cute green patent leather heels at Zara. I take this as a good sign.

2:59

Where the hell is Dop Dop? Why is Houston St. pronounced HOW-ston instead of HYOO-ston?

3:02

When I get to the salon, if I ever find it, the plan is this: Mia Farrow it. Chop it off. Bleach blonde. Oooh, or cut some bangs and go dark. Either way, it's time to get radical.

3:05

Found it! Noelle does my hair. No, she paints my hair, like an artist. It's seriously pretty cool, having someone pay that kind of attention to your hair. Unfortunately, this kind of attention will take 3 hours. And because I am a complete wuss, I leave slightly blonder with a trim. Yawn. It does look pretty, though.

6:15

God I love this city. I love walking with everybody, feeling the energy. God I miss being able to walk everywhere. Wait, I lived in LA and Memphis. I never walked anywhere. I don't know what I'm talking about.

6:30

Jen!

8:00

Dinner at Balthazar. I get roast chicken and some yummy wine. The hostess and I have on the exact same dress. Fortunately no one asks me to change their reservation. Paul, hairdresser to the stars, dines with us and bitches about Vincent Gallo being fickle. I nod and look sympathetic. He congratulates me on not chopping my hair off. Not that it wouldn't look fabulous, he says. But in Memphis, it would basically be a big blonde frizzfro.

10:45

We arrive at another restaurant to pick up Jen's friend Michelle, a manager of some very famous rock bands. Two of her very famous artists are dining with her. We all walk to a nearby bar where the artists, a married couple, show us pictures of their kid on their Iphone. I nod and try to be cool. They think Memphis is cool. I am suddenly cool by proxy. They discuss the lineup of what songs they will play at an upcoming fashion show. I secretly snap a pic of one of them with my Iphone. I am such a dork. Oh my god I can't drink this drink. It's way too spicy rum. Hey - the bartender is their bass player. Why is he tending bar? This rock star gig should pay more.

12:15

It is so awesome being with cool people because we don't have to wait in line. Did I mention it is 30 degrees and drizzling and my blowout is beginning to resemble something my cat threw up?

12:30

We have taken a time machine and landed in 1985. Everyone is in faded, high waisted jeans, white heels and day-glo. Of course, this is Chloe Sevigny's party. The Slits are playing, an all-girl punk band. 80,000 of Chloe's closest friends are here to help her celebrate the debut of her clothing line, and the one smoker is right behind me. Paul the hair stylist and I get smoked on for about 10 minutes while we try to look pitiful enough to get the bartender's attention. I get a vodka cranberry, well more like next to the bottle of cranberry. Oh my god I can't drink this drink either. It goes in the trash. Paul, some dude who works with The Cobrasnake who, of course, is one of Jen's artists, and a pixie named Lydia with green eye liner and Debra Winger hair traipse off to heiress Amanda Hearst's party. Jen and I go home to our aunt's house and fall into a deep, deep sleep. Until 6 AM when our alarm goes off.

Start Spreading the News...That it is God's Will I Will Never Leave Town Again

I didn't REALLY expect a disaster to strike when I left town. Maybe she wouldn't take a bottle for the first couple times he offered. Maybe she would cry all night because her mommy wasn't there to nurse her to sleep and poor daddy would rock her for hours, cursing mama's name. It would suck for him and he'd find ways to rub it in for months. Sucky, but not a disaster. Nothing like, say, a tornado blowing through town and decimating part of the city. A tornado. In Memphis. In February. To his credit, because he didn't want to scare me, he waited until after he and Harlow were in the basement when the power went out, when the radio ordered Shelby County citizens to immediately seek shelter, to call me. Of course, they were fine. Well, baby girl still had the Croup - the unF-ING-believable Croup that struck the night I left, but no more tornadoes. Geez, why's God gotta be all up in my grill and shit? Mama just wanted a quick little break.

And mama got a quick little break.

More on that to come.

For our movie-worthy reunion? She took one look at me, then started waving and clapping...at the dog. Missed you too, sweet baby.

Sunday, February 03, 2008

NYC


I already miss you.

I have pumped and planned and fretted and worried and put the entire population of Catholics in the US to shame with my guilt.

I know you are going to be fine. You are probably gonna be a little pissed that the magical boobs are suddenly gone, but you've got a pretty awesome daddy who is gonna have a bottle or cup of the good stuff anytime you ask for it.

I'm gonna wake up in the city that doesn't sleep and find that my boobs have exploded and my heart has broken because my sweet baby is not beside me. So it's up to you, New York, New York, to make sure I have a good time. Or at least score a killer pair of shoes. Nothing like a little retail therapy to work out the mama angst.

Friday, February 01, 2008

Not fun, Can't Sleep List

1. It's a lot more fun saying You Got Served than being served. Especially before dawn. With the wakeage of husband and baby and psychotic dog. And your driveway being blocked like you're gonna run.
2. It's kinda fun feeling like an outlaw for about .00045 seconds
3. It's not fun answering your door before dawn before looking in the mirror and later noticing the dried blood on your face
4. It's not fun having your nose almost broken by the psychotic dog the night before
5. But 3 and 4 are really kinda funny put together
6. It's not fun having a strange person come by your place of business
7. Then show up in front of your home
8. Especially on the same day as #1
9. It's not fun when you stopped believing in coincidences
10. Not sleeping is not fun

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

10 Months

Ladies and gentlemen, we have a crawler.

Harlow figured that just in time for her tenth month birthday, she would demonstrate her mad skills by choosing a target, usually a clump of cat hair, a leaf or some really nasty bit tracked in by the dog, and hurl her body in its general direction. She has not yet mastered the classical hands and knees locomotive crawl; her style is more wounded commando, dragging her body weight with her right elbow while cradling the left elbow at her side. Perhaps an old injury from a previous tour of duty? There is also the crab crawl that she has seen demonstrated by several of her Mothersville playdates. Wood floors + pajamas = a disconcertingly fast scoot that leaves little time for checking email or glancing at a magazine when she's on the move.

Which brings us to babyproofing.

We get that ubiquitous babycenter email, the one that presents a laundry list of what your child should be doing by now, followed up by the very passive-aggressive "every child develops at his or her own rate so just never you mind that your kid can't sit up when he should be reciting the alphabet." You know the one. I believe it was months ago that it suggested babyproofing the house. Pick a day, it urged, and plug up those outlets, remove breakable objects and put those little foam corner thingys on the coffee table. And voila. Babyproofed. And this has been my understanding of babyproofing thus far.It's like Christmas, a day you mark on the calendar and prepare for by opening up some boxes and putting some stuff out. Boom. Easy. Babyproofed.

The email made no mention of fishing that piece of carpet lint out of her mouth after failing to spot it even after vacuuming the rug - twice. About the popcorn kernel she almost swallowed when no popcorn has been popped in this house - ever. About her passion for mail, particularly bills, and the bits of envelope that she deftly moistens and swallows. About the cat vomit that I can't just partially clean up. About how sometimes I hate my animals and their hair so much that I fantasize about an accidentally open door and 20 degree weather and heavy traffic. About what it is like as an adult to see the world from baby's perspective again, and see giants and magic and really, really nasty carpet.

Harlow is 10 months old today, and I am madly in love with this creature. It's reassuring, this enjoying being a mom, of not secretly watching the clock until her nap time but actually being a little sad when we part ways for a bit. She is pure sunshine, this 10 month old version, even with snot pouring out of her nose and guttural snarling that makes her sound like a werewolf at my breast. Everything is funny - the light fixtures at which she constantly points, my laptop, the dog (good thing, too, buddy - you're safe for now.) She scoots through the world keeping up a constant stream of narration. Holy crap! she says to me at the grocery store, at Holiday Ham, at the foot of the bed. Have you SEEN this place?

It's easy to say now that I really don't care what she becomes or the path that she chooses, just so long as she always has this passion about the world in front of her. It's pretty damn infectious.

Sunday, January 27, 2008

100 Things Part 2

Because i know you've been waiting with bated breath....

51. I like to look up the meaning of sayings and expressions, like, bated breath, which is a contraction of the word "abated" meaning to hold one's breath from terror, awe or other extreme emotions.
52. I am happiest when I am traveling; I get antsy if I'm in town for more than a few weeks.
53. I considered a career in airport management to help increase efficency when it comes to checking in, boarding, retrieving bags etc.
54. I studied at St. John's College in Oxford.
55. I represented the French Club in my high school Junior Miss pageant and performed a monologue about a woman who killed her husband and hung his corpse up in her closet for my talent contribution.
56. I kissed a guy named Bernie for beads at Mardi Gras.
57. I haven't had a glass of red wine since my 25th birthday.
58. My worst migraine episode was a direct result of #57
59. Halloween is my favorite holiday.
60. I, too, find it a damn shame that Austin is in Texas. I also would prefer to live in San Francisco and drink wine rather than water and was starting to think Stephanie was my soulmate until her #99, but then she won me back with #101.
60 a. I think Memphis should take notes from France; in August, let's just agree to close up shop for the month and get the hell out.
61. In high school some girls made a up a mean song about me to the tune of Iko Iko.
62. I did not know it was possible to do my hair until I moved to California
63. As soon as I get home from seeing a movie, regardless of how good or bad it was, I look up scores of reviews about it on Rotten Tomatoes.
64. I cannot stand it when people over-enunciate the "r" in words like "crisp" and find it bizarre that voiceover artists in commercials are hired precisely because they do that
65. My husband and I spent two weeks in Paris for free housesitting a cat with a thyroid condition.
66. I can hold a pretty serious grudge
67. I am extremely gullible
68. Global warming really, really scares me
69. I bruise easily - physically and emotionally
70. My socks rarely match, and I thought it was just my "thing" until I realize my daughter's socks don't match either, because her mother is lazy.
71. I hate doing the dishes
72. My weirdest job involved driving all over southern California photographing Bank of America properties for a realty company.
73. I was paid to photograph a period 1807 wedding.
74. I am fairly obsessed with stationery - letterpress, screenprinted, handmade etc.
75. Even though I had a wonderful upbringing here, I am afraid of raising my child in such a poor, hyper-religious, racially divided city.
76. I had a brief love affair with an Italian in the south of Italy. He spoke no English, I spoke no Italian. So we spoke high school French. And the language of love, I suppose.
77. When we encountered each other a couple of years later, I was flattered and guilty that his eyes were red and swollen from crying as I had fallen in love with someone else. Turned out he'd just had lasik eye surgery.
78. I ate Gorbachev's leftover potato chips. No, this is not a euphemism.
79. I was called-back for the role that eventually went to Claire Danes in The Rainmaker. I was not called back for the role that eventually went to Reese Witherspoon in Man in the Moon.
80. I spent a day with Francis Ford Coppola on the set.
81. I delievered Meals on Wheels to a woman in downtown LA who fed most of it to her 30 pound Chihuahua.
82. A moment that rivals giving birth and marrying my husband for the emotions it stirred in me - my riding a horse at dusk on the beach in the rain in Ireland.
83. My 20th birthday included a picnic on a hilltop in Edinburgh in front of ancient ruins, being serenaded by bagpipes, drinking some Scotsmen under the table and eating a birthday cake with strangers on a pubcrawl. My 21st included a strawberry margarita at a memphis Mexican restaurant and waking up the next morning on my boyfriend's bathroom floor. And then having to go to work.
84. Because of #82, I always suggest horseback riding when the opportunity presents itself and then realize how much I hate it.
85. I am a foodie that is not ashamed to admit a love for Benihana.
86. I was proposed to on a private jet and in Canada.
87. This list is reminding me of how fun my life has been thus far.
88.I am only half joking when I say I think my cat is trying to kill me.
89. I am not joking when I say I often think about killing my cat.
90. My dog had a talent agent.
91. I saw my husband for the first time at mile 18 of the LA marathon as he stood under the Marquis at Mann's Chinese Theater.
92. I almost named my daughter Zasu after Zasu Pitts.
93. My wedding was featured in a magazine.
94. My favorite food is chicken tamales from the Larchmont Farmers Market in LA, followed closely by the chicken tamales at Guelaguetza with the chicken tamales at the downtown LA library Farmers Market a solid third.
95. I won second place in the Bad Stephen King contest.
96. I make a mean seven-hour lamb.
97. My favorite TV show of all time is Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
98. I wish I was as funny as my sister.
99. If I had a tenth of my father's work ethic and business smarts I'd be a millionaire today.
100. I love Chick Fil-A and would drive an hour out of my way to visit the only one in the state of California. Now you know why I moved back to Memphis.

Saturday, January 26, 2008

Saturday

Baby Girl has her first honest to goodness nose-is-a-snot-faucet cold, so Saturday was all about hunkering down (for her) and making comfort food (for her sleepy parents). Breakfast was banana French toast sandwiches (Rickie's challah (HOLLAH!) was pretty much the perfect eggy bread). Sadly it was eaten too quickly for photographic evidence. We ventured out to Square Foods for one last oatburger as they are closing next week. The service was always fair to middling, those chips were pretty stale, but damn they could make some good cookies. Too bad. If only a certain locavore chef with a passion for seasonal eating would open up a market/deli in its place...

Dinner was a chicken/sweet potato/orange tagine with couscous and toasted almonds, followed by yet another batch of chocolate chip cookies. The Green&Black's chocolate was crazy rich yet did nothing to improve the general glue like consistency of the batter. I followed the stupid recipe to the T and clearly something wasn't right. Like leaving out the sugar.

I forgot to mention that I have made a kind of informal resolution to bake once a week. When I was pregnant and had gestational diabetes, I went and bought every baking cookbook I could find. My masochistic much self started baking cupcakes and giving them to other people since I couldn't eat them. Then when I had the baby and got the all clear to start stuffing myself with sugar again, I realized I had a baby. Pretty much zero time for leisurely baking. So cut to almost 10 months later - a truly magical period (I say period because I know it can't last forever) Harlow takes easy, predictable naps and Mama has time to get out her flour and sugar and crack open Dorrie Greenspan's Baking and get to work. So far there have been two fairly edible chocolate chip cookie batches and some pretty yummy chocolate chip cherry scones. I think a cake may be on the horizon.

Little Drummer Girl


My dreams of having a family band are one step closer to reality...

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

100 Things

This whole 100 Things challenge kicked off by Kristy, updated bySAM and improved upon byStacey and Stephanie, started off fun and has now become the bloggy equivalent of a term paper. No one is more surprised than me. I mean, why stop at 100? It's me, for Pete's sake. I could teach a class. It turns out by #15 or so I didn't find myself that fascinating either.

So, in no particular order, 1-51.

1. I had chronic head/neckaches everyday from around age 13 to 25 until I started Pilates.
2. When I was 13 a boy I had a crush on tried to "crack" my neck like a chiropractor. See #1.
3. I have a stripper pole in my house and know how to use it. Too bad it's collecting dust in storage.
4. I am told I look like Hilary Swank about once a week; I wish I found her attractive.
5. When I lived in LA I was told I looked like Mia Farrow about once a week. I found her attractive - pre-Woody.
6. I ran a marathon.
7. My first engagement was called off by my fiance.
8. On the day I was supposed to get married I raced in a triathlon for charity.
9. My skin and hair never looked prettier then when I was pregnant.
10. I am depressed by how much I procrastinate. Like right now, for instance.
11. I've been in the presence of a ghost.
12. I was ten rows back from Dr. McDreamy on a flight that made an emergency landing.
13. I compulsively shop online but only actually buy about a 1/4 of the things I put in the cart.
14. My cat won second place in LA's fat cat contest.
15. I had a dream about my husband playing basketball years before I met him.
16. I'm intimidated by any kind of group sport. Even bacci ball.
17. I have terrible depth perception.
18. I can't watch Ali G or Borat or kind of show where the goal is to make people uncomfortable.
19. I was swindled out of a very large sum of money by a psychic.
20. I have a scar on my ankle from a motorcycle I rode in Italy.
21. I have been to Africa twice.
22. TV's Tony Soprano and Chandler Bing were dicks to me on 2 separate occasions.
23. Thanks to breastfeeding, I weigh less now than when I was in high school.
24. I make cookies once a week and I'm still a barely competent baker. I always manage to leave out one major ingredient.
25. I would rather spend my money on a great meal than a pair of shoes or clothing.
26. I am terrified I won't live anywhere else but Memphis.
27. I deeply regret being so co-dependent in my teens and twenties that I missed out on some great friendships.
28. I can spell almost any word without looking at it.
29. My husband is prettier than I am.
30. I eat chocolate everyday.
31. I enthusiastically sign up for continuing education classes but usually drop out before the term is over.
32. I leave clutter in my wake.
33. I have a large, round birthmark on my shoulder.
34. My torn earlobe made for a great conversation piece before my parents paid me to have it sewn up.
35. Because of a slightly downturned mouth, strangers often encourage me to smile which makes me want to inflict bodily harm.
36. I had a flare up of eczema on my legs so disfiguring that I wore jeans everyday for two years.
37. I gave bad directions to Penn Gillette.
38. I am usually always cold and would happily live in the Palm Springs desert for eternity.
39. I spent 2 years researching and writing a screenplay about the Bell Witch only to trumped by a fellow no-name who sold his Bell Witch spec for $$$ and got Reese Witherspoon attached.
40.I have been told by more people than I care to admit that they assumed I was a stuck up bitch until they got to know me.
41. Newborns still make me extremely nervous.
42. Getting on antidepressants has changed my life for the better.
43. I am learning to play the ukulele.
44. I am avoiding a crushing load of work by writing this.
45. It used to really, really upset me that my husband never complimented me or told me I was pretty. And then he called me a good mom.
46. I have really violent dreams.
47. When I was ten I thought I was a werewolf.
48. The best and worst day of my life both involve my daughter.
49. I don't think I'll ever be as great a mom as my own.
50. My 2 favorite genres of movies are horror and dance movies. I'm thinking it's time for a crossover.
51. Because of #50, I know the Thriller dance by heart.

Hallelujah

That distant shouting you heard this morning? From my rooftop? Transcribed here in case you missed it.

Down at 8. Up at 5 to eat and then right back to sleep.

Of course I was so excited I had to get up. But that's ok. House is quiet. It's just me, my ukulele and the sunrise.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Heath

I was all prepared to write about something else. About how Harlow is just minutes from crawling. About my ukulele. About my love affair with zoloft. About Harlow's amazing new babysitter!

But all I can think about is how sad I am that Heath Ledger is gone.

I read the news that he was found dead this afternoon, and as silly as it sounds, I felt like I'd lost a friend.

I've been fascinated by him ever since I saw him in 10 Things I Hate About You - a crap teen comedy whose only redeeming factor was the adorable Aussie with the shaggy hair and sweet dance moves. When I first moved to LA, it seemed every bus in town was plastered with ads for a forgettable series called Roar - but I never forgot the handsome mug whose face accompanied me on my commute to Warner Bros. He seemed set for a future of pretty boy romantic comedies, but he surprised us. There was the tragic, stunted son in Monster's Ball, the aging, wheeler dealer California boy in Lords of Dogtown. And then just absolute heartbreaking perfection in Brokeback Mountain. After I saw the trailer for the new Batman, I got chills. I told Caleb that I felt like I was witnessing the birth of a star. Here was a future Robert Duvall, a Pacino. An actor who was handsome enough to carry a film yet talented enough to make you forget about those looks when he disappeared inside a character. He was just getting started, and now he's gone, leaving behind a daughter who will only know him like the rest of us can - from his movies. So incredibly sad for his family. So incredibly sad for us.

Sunday, January 20, 2008

Blue Ribbon Babies


I feel like crap, so it's just the facts, man.

Friday night our sitter arrived and Grandpa John and I had to make a quick stop before dinner and Caleb's show. Unfortunately it was to Le Bonheur where Avery was transferred by ambulance after taking a very scary fall. She ended up with a skull fracture but thankfully was discharged the following day when she was already back to being her usual on-11 self. These kids, man. Made out of luck and rubber.

Caleb played a great show and even had some cocktail hour groupies arrive to catch the last couple songs. Came home, gave the baby girl a nightcap, got in bed, and woke up at 6 the next morning after sleeping straight through the night. That would be because Harlow slept through the night.


Yes, you read that right. I woke to her crying and my boobs bursting and just as I was going to check on her, she fell back asleep and didn't get back up until 7. I just laid in bed in savored the wonder that is uninterrupted sleep. Grandpa John kindly volunteered to watch the baby so we got to out for a second babyless night in a row, this time to see No Country for Old Men. Gorged myself on Milk Duds, saw a great movie, drank a beer at Otherlands where we caught the last songs of Blair's set and was in bed before eleven.

Grandparents rock. So do Milk Duds, the Coen Brothers, Cocktail Hour concert goers, and rubber babies. Stromboli from Little Italy? Not so much. Like, 24 hours ago and really, not so much.

Friday, January 18, 2008

Babydaddy Blues




Harlow's Daddy had his local TV debut today, and he made her extremely proud. I'm working on the whole YouTube thingy, so until then, here are a few screencaps.

Sunday, January 13, 2008

What's in the Stars



Over the weekend I spoke with my western astrologer*, partly to get an unpdate on my stars and partly because she is the mistress of a very famous author I love and I get some cool stories. She basically reiterated what she had said before, that this was my time to be working my ass off because in about a year and a half the universe was gonna start giving back i.e., publication. I was floored to hear that her boyfriend procrastinates like the devil and then writes his novels in like, six weeks. And doesn't rewrite them. The rat bastard. She said that Caleb had about 4 years to go before his fortunes were going to change to which he replied that the whole thing was bullshit anyway. I told him she said that he would say that, and then I quickly looked for somewhere to hide. She had information on Harlow which I was a little weirded out to accept. I have no problem consulting horoscopes and talking to psychics about what's in store for me. But, to me, Harlow is a Christmas present I get to open up every morning. I don't want anything to spoil what's inside. That said, she claimed that Harlow was going to be "exceedingly attractive" and magnetic but cursed with a terrible inner compass on who would make a proper mate. Sounds like every teenager I've ever met.

* My Cali roots run firm and deep, which means by default I engaged in the some of the shallowest of pursuits. At one point I had an agent on the wrong side of the hill, a manager who took me on because I was a leg model, a Beverly Hills therapist, a lesbian Pilates instructor with a TV pilot in the works, Bon Jovi's tour chiropractor, a Nambudiprad's Allergy Elimination Technique practitioner, an aesthetician who was divorced by a multimillionaire and still couldn't believe she "waxed punani" for a living, a GP who was the on-call physician for the Chateau Marmont, an agent for my dog, a vedic astrologer, a western astrologer, a psychic whose niece makes the best pastries in LA and a massage therapist who grew up with Joss Whedon.

Does that count as 1 of my 100 Things?

100 Things

This whole 100 Things challenge kicked off by Kristy, updated bySAM and improved upon byStacey and Stephanie, started off fun and has now become the bloggy equivalent of a term paper. No one is more surprised than me. I mean, why stop at 100? It's me, for Pete's sake. I could teach a class. It turns out by #15 or so I didn't find myself that fascinating either.

So, in no particular order, 1-51.

1. I had chronic head/neckaches everyday from around age 13 to 25 until I started Pilates.
2. When I was 13 a boy I had a crush on tried to "crack" my neck like a chiropractor. See #1.
3. I have a stripper pole in my house and know how to use it. Too bad it's collecting dust in storage.
4. I am told I look like Hilary Swank about once a week; I wish I found her attractive.
5. When I lived in LA I was told I looked like Mia Farrow about once a week. I found her attractive - pre-Woody.
6. I ran a marathon.
7. My first engagement was called off by my fiance.
8. On the day I was supposed to get married I raced in a triathlon for charity.
9. My skin and hair never looked prettier then when I was pregnant.
10. I am slightly awed by how much I procrastinate.
11. I've been in the presence of a ghost.
12. I was ten rows back from Dr. McDreamy on a flight that made an emergency landing.
13. I compulsively shop online but only actually buy about a 1/4 of the things I put in the cart.
14. My cat won second place in LA's fat cat contest.
15. I had a dream about my husband playing basketball years before I met him.
16. I'm intimidated by any kind of group sport. Even bacci ball.
17. I have terrible depth perception.
18. I can't watch Ali G or Borat or kind of show where the goal is to make people uncomfortable.
19. I was swindled out of a very large sum of money by a psychic.
20. I have a scar on my ankle from a motorcycle I rode in Italy.
21. I have been to Africa twice.
22. TV's Tony Soprano and Chandler Bing were dicks to me on 2 separate occasions.
23. Thanks to breastfeeding, I weigh less now than when I was in high school.
24. I make cookies once a week and I'm still a barely competent baker. I always manage to leave out one major ingredient.
25. I would rather spend my money on a great meal than a pair of shoes or clothing.
26. I am terrified I won't live anywhere else but Memphis.
27. I deeply regret being so co-dependent in my teens and twenties that I missed out on some great friendships.
28. I can spell almost any word without looking at it.
29. My husband is prettier than I am.
30. I eat chocolate everyday.
31. I enthusiastically sign up for continuing education classes but usually drop out before the term is over.
32. I leave clutter in my wake.
33. I have a large, round birthmark on my shoulder.
34. My torn earlobe made for a great conversation piece before my parents paid me to have it sewn up.
35. Because of a slightly downturned mouth, strangers often encourage me to smile which makes me want to inflict bodily harm.
36. I had a flare up of eczema on my legs so disfiguring that I wore jeans everyday for two years.
37. I gave bad directions to Penn Gillette.
38. I am usually always cold and would happily live in the Palm Springs desert for eternity.
39. I spent 2 years researching and writing a screenplay about the Bell Witch only to trumped by a fellow no-name who sold his Bell Witch spec for $$$ and got Reese Witherspoon attached.
40.I have been told by more people than I care to admit that they assumed I was a stuck up bitch until they got to know me.
41. Newborns still make me extremely nervous.
42. Getting on antidepressants has changed my life for the better.
43. I am learning to play the ukulele.
44. I am avoiding a crushing load of work by writing this.
45. It used to really, really upset me that my husband never complimented me or told me I was pretty. And then he called me a good mom.
46. I have really violent dreams.
47. When I was ten I thought I was a werewolf.
48. The best and worst day of my life both involve my daughter.
49. I don't think I'll ever be as great a mom as my own.
50. My 2 favorite genres of movies are horror and dance movies. I'm thinking it's time for a crossover.
51. Because of #50, I know the Thriller dance by heart.

Friday, January 11, 2008

How Bad Does This Suck?

I think it only could be worse if it had been the spawn of Paris Hilton.

Anorexic, pill-popping, coke-addicted, wrong-way driving on the freeway celebutard Nicole Richie just had her Green Day* baby.

And named her Harlow.

I'm so sorry, baby girl. Your dad and I gave you a very pretty, unique name. Hope you enjoyed it before you read it about it tomorrow on PerezHilton.com

Edited to say 1) don't blog angry 2) Green Day kind of redeemed it for me. Good (shudder) Charlotte. Oh balls.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Babysitting

Holy shit we're parents.

6:15. The doorbell rings. It's the babysitter, adorable in glasses and Chuck Taylors, here to sit for our kid so we can go out to dinner. I show her how to work the TV and leave phone numbers and tell her to help herself to the fridge, because that's what I was told last week when I was babysitting. At least I could swear it was last week. And so we had a really nice dinner - half of which was spent discussing how weird it felt having a babysitter so we could actually be out having dinner. And we came home to a quiet house, a sleeping baby, and a babysitter who would love to come back and is going to come back. So we get to do it again, this dating thing with no baby. But then that's how that baby showed up in the first place, so we'll have to be on our guard.

But that's ok. I feel old and grownup and strange and so, so happy to be dating my husband again.

Tuesday, January 08, 2008

It's Alive!

There is something living in our bedroom walls.

It only comes out at night.

And it is coming for me.

5 AM. I'm awakened by this sound, this ominous crackling, popping, gnawing ruckus. Harlow is next to me, Caleb across the hall in sweet, solitary queen bed slumber. My bleary brain tries to process what the hell is going on. My first thought - the house is on fire! I had lit candles that afternoon, did I forget to blow them out? No, no smoke, no fire. Ok. Is someone pushing the trashcan out to the curb, rocks and leaves crunching under the wheels? No, this is much louder, because it is coming from right behind my head.

There is something in the wall. Something big. Behind my bed!

Did the rains lodge a person in our wall? Is this some Poe-esque tale come to life? Because I could swear there is a grown ass man stomping around inside the wall right behind my bed. Like the intrepid heroine I am, I jump up and run to Caleb.

Me: Caleb, there's something in the wall. It sounds really big.

Caleb: --- (this silence is actually translated as "right, remember when I took the bed apart the other night when I heard something scratching on it? It's a probably a mouse.)

Me: --- (??? a mouse!!!! wtf???) well?

Finally...

Caleb: There's nothing I can do about it right now. I'll go crawl around there in the morning.

I ran back to the room. What if it had been a trap? Some terrible noise to send me running so that an evil minion, or perhaps David Bowie in spandex and Tina Turner hair come to take my daughter into the Labyrinth. But no such evil awaited. Just a very paranoid mama who got very little sleep.

Maybe it wouldn't have been so bad if we hadn't watched 28 Weeks Later right before bed. (For the record, I totally ruled out zombies in the wall) Or that I had spent two years of my life researching and writing a screenplay about the Bell Witch who just happened to come up in conversation the day before. You know, that legendary poltergeist who first appeared to her victims by gnawing and scratching on the bedposts?

Ooh - Caleb is going into the attic as I type this. I'm gonna go provide backup. You know, just in case it's David Bowie.

Monday, January 07, 2008

Winter Wonderland

Because he did such a great job, I have to post Allan's little film of our time in Colorado. Part 1 of the opus. Pardon the giddiness. California people get a little freaked out by the snow.

Your Image

Monday


In the ritual that is Daddy-Daughter time, I try not to ask too many questions. Like when they come home smelling like cigar smoke.

And can I just add a little side note and pen a quick little love note to blogger? Thank you sweet baby blogger for finally deigning to look down your nose at we meek but proud safari/mac users and give us actual buttons to put things in bold and make them italicizedand
put them in quotes
and holy jesus - actually have one button to press to make a hyperlink instead going here and copying and pasting I feel drunk with power.

The thank you list expands. Thank you to mom and dad for watching Harlow yesterday so we could actually go see a movie. As we approached the theater, our hands intwined, natural as breathing. And then we both looked at each other, weirded out to feel so light, so babybag, babygirl free. As Caleb said, he felt strange to not be the parent, the dad holding the baby. Just some dude buying popcorn and Milk Dud deliciousness for his girl. And oh the coke. And the previews! How excited am I for Heath Ledger as The Joker? I'm lining up a babysitter now. And for the record - I am Legend. Eh. There's no way it could have been as good the near perfect book by Richard Matheson.

Thank you to Zoloft for making me feel so weirdly positive this Monday morning.

Thank you to the adorable Ellen Page/Juno-esque girl who contacted me through sittercity who liked our profile so much she really wants to babysit for us. Thank you for spell checking and proofreading and including a picture that is not you as seen through the Hubble Space Telescope. As I have lots of movies I'd like to see, I think we can work out an arrangement.

Friday, January 04, 2008

2008


Happy New Year! My last minutes of 2007 found me curled around my screaming child, doing my damndest not to be bitter about missing ringing in 08 with my tipsy, flare lighting compatriots. Happily, Harlow released me for a few moments so I could curl myself around my husband and kiss to surviving childbirth, broken legs, chronic sleep deprivation and salute to our strength as a couple, as parents, as individuals. Not so much as petowners, but hey, we can’t be perfect. I joke because otherwise I'd cry. Our first drama of 2008 hit us hard on the 2nd when we learned that our petsitter had not been to check on the animals since we left. At all. Miraculously they are fine and the house only slightly damaged. It was a horrible misunderstanding that fortunately turned out okay. My newest resolution? Don’t take anything for granted.

As for Miss Harlow, her resolutions are to attempt that crawling thing so she can go from point A to point B without all the hollering, cling tightly to mama especially when mama needs both hands, and get that much cuter so the first two resolutions don't drive her parents to leave her with the petsitter next time they travel.

Miss Suzy Q kept a blog of the Colorado hijinks here.

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