Tuesday, September 26, 2006

the zoo

There's nothing like a trip to the zoo to bring out one's inner misanthrope.

On our way to check out the pandas, we made our way through the world of birds as the zoo rightly assumed that the only way most people would brake for birds would be to sandwich it between the cats and the bears. I'm no birder, but all of a sudden, there it was. Just the most beautiful bird I'd ever seen. Colors like a psychedelic light show but real. On a bird! I said to Caleb that this looked like the kind of bird that one would have to trek to the top of a mountain in Tibet to hopefully just catch a glimpse of.

A cute, skinny mom with her two kids and pregnant friend in tow blew past us when she realized her daughter was no longer beside her. The little girl stood on front of the golden pheasant, transfixed.

Her mom stared at her, impatient.

"Baby, those are just birds. Don't you want to see the bears?"

The girl didn't move.

"Honey, c'mon. Wouldn't you rather see the bears?"

The girl slowly moved away and hurried to catch her mom who was, indeed, booking it toward the bears.

Right then and there I decided my child and I would brake for birds, even the ugly brown ones you don't have to climb a mountain to see. Just on principal.

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

The Heart of Rock N Roll is still beatin

I heard my baby's heartbeat today. That was pretty amazing. In all honesty, it sounded more like a 1950s sci fi radio serial than a distinct ga-gong, as Patrick Swayze so eloquently put it. More of staccato rythym over a spaceship. But still pretty freakin cool. I still can't believe I'm growing a baby in there.

Not much has changed over the past few weeks, hence my not really being over here to post. My energy level has definitely increased, I believe I have graduated to a C cup, and my 9th grade acne has decided it's time for a high school reunion. But other than that, I'm great and I can't be more thrilled about it.

Last night I dreamed about holding my son who was in diapers as we were getting ready to board a plane. I think he was not quite 1, yet he told me in no uncertain terms that he was really excited about getting to visit Italy. I told him that I was glad he was excited, and then I made a bunch of weird faces when he wasn't looking, because my one year old was speaking in full sentences.

I'm pretty much convinced it's a boy.

Monday, September 04, 2006


The hormone fairy paid a visit today. Last time she came she left a trail of cystic red acne all over my left shoulder and arm which my husband thought were spider bites, because seriously, who gets zits on their triceps? So, today. Do you remember that movie 28 Days Later - not the Sandra Bullock AA shite but the one in England with all the zombies that were infected with a REALLY ANGRY VIRUS?

That was me, with maybe slightly better table manners. I felt it bubbling on the way to the neighborhood grocery store, the one I've already learned to hate with its mini-carts and claustrophobic yet tiny maze-like feel and cranky cashiers and terrible produce, so I was primed. And then it started. Just minding my own business in the 2 ft wide aisle in front of the oranges when a woman barrels by with her daughter in the cart, offering a snippy EXCUSE ME EXCUSE ME EXCUSE ME as she literally crashes into my cart, squeezes on through and sends my groceries careening into the path of a polite college student. We shared a "Check Out the Crazy Beeotch" smile, and I did my best to shrug it off. And then I made the mistake of shopping for pasta sauce in the same aisle as Her Majesty. The Queen and her entourage sauntered down my aisle and, realizing people headed my way, I moved my cart of their way, which prompted:

HER MAJESTY: Get out of my way. You got to be kidding. Taking up the whole damn aisle with your cart. SHEEE-IT.

ME: ****

Too stunned to respond, I just gaped in shock. Did she just speak like that to me?

They cleared the aisle, and I just stood there. And then molten lava replaced the blood in my veins. I grabbed my cart and raced to the next aisle - bitch was about to get an earful from me, scary IQ- challenged entourage be damned. Every stinging retort, curse word, epithets and putdown raced through my head as I rounded the corner.

But they weren't there. And that was probably a good thing. The kind of woman who grocery shops with an entourage and says things like SHEEEE-IT in conversation probably routinely picks fights and beats little white girls like me to a pulp. And that probably wouldn't be so good for the baby. So I let it go. I was finishing up my shopping when the checkout lanes came into view. There they were, her majesty and the entourage, giving the cashier a hard time over something judging by the loud voices and posturing. And that's when I noticed it.

She was pregnant, too.

In an instant, I got it. And kinda felt sorry for her. And then I fantasized about running her over with my truck.