Thursday, February 28, 2008

Pets for Sale

Three Fine Pets to a Good Home

The Kitten a.k.a The Kitten

Fine Attributes include:

destroying any piece of furniture in the house, especially new furniture

drinking out of your water glass, even if you place a heavy book over it and walk away for 30 seconds

eating food off the dining room table

eating food off of the kitchen island

running underfoot as you carry laundry down the stairs

running underfoot while you carry the baby upstairs

purposely tripping you while carrying knives fresh from the dishwasher

crying until you personally escort him to eat his food

perching on the ledge of the tub and staring at you while you try to read a magazine

shedding hair that retains the same texture as spun sugar

hairballs. hairballs. hairballs.

The Donkey a.k.a Murphy

loves to bark while your child attempts to nap

loves to bark while you attempt to nap

will kill the mailman if given the chance

eats the baby's food out of her hands and her lap

"accidentally" runs over the baby while she's on the floor

lunges and barks at children on the street, especially if they are on wheels

appears to be anti-semitic

despite hundreds and hundreds of dollars spent on training, responds to commands only if he feels like it

scratches himself nightly, next to the bed, usually at about 3 AM

when kicked out of the bedroom, will either bark at something imagined or sleep on the people-only couch

The Elder Statesman a.k.a Andy a.k.a 2nd Fattest Cat in LA

craps on the floor of your house, sometimes behind a potted plant. Sometimes in it. Usually just in plain view.


Laura M said...

ha ha...yep...customary scratching and "nesting" in the dog bed a nightly thing around here too. it only took me a year to realize that if i want a nap interrupted, leave the shutters open so that said beasts can bark at anything with legs going by...
wouldn't trade our FOUR greyhounds for anything though!

Kristy said...

Pets are dumb.